Tuesday, 21 June 2016

The wobbles.

One of the things I have come to attribute to emigrating or maybe age or maybe both is my struggle with anxiety and lack of confidence. I have realized that I often suffer a complete lack of confidence in my abilities in areas where I was once totally confident. I still know that I am knowledgeable in these areas but I am besieged by crushing wobbles at key times... like when I have to discuss a decision I have made at work or with the horse.

One place I don't have these issues is with my decisions for my family and my girls (thank God) so why do I go down these roads in other areas?

I have given this, understandably, soooooo much thought.
I have strong core feelings on how to bring up my children and how I want this home to feel. Having come from a very broken home with very broken adults in it, I want my children to grow up in a loving, supportive home where summer is endless, rules are broken, bedtimes don't matter and you eat what you like when you like (in summer of course, oh and at weekends)
Laid back isn't it. Yes very! Our home was a rule nightmare, easy to break the countless ridiculous pointless rules instilled by various unreasonable step parents or grandparents that we barely knew that didn't buy into the "love rules" type of lifestyle. Easy then to be very much in trouble and very much punished. Little surprise that I made my own way at a very young age.
My mother did live by a strong "education is key" mantra and  that I agree with. So school days aside, politeness and respect aside, this house runs on love and fun and pure happiness.

Horse - hmmmm, maybe its the 10 years I had without one. Maybe its the fact that I am in another country where things roll a little differently. Maybe its the fact that self confidence continues to be an issue for me (I believe that a childhood where YOU don't have a voice as long as you "do as I say and not as I do" has a part to play in this - such a popular theme in British times when I was a kid). I don't know, maybe its all the above. What I do know is that I am struggling to say what I think about my horse and my riding with the same level of confidence as I do in how I run this home.

(Note: Obvs hubs and I run this home but I have a key say in this... thankfully we are rolling in the same way on this and always have done.)

Work - hmmmm, another one. I have the utmost good luck to work in probably the best company I have ever managed to get on the payroll in. Its full of very smart people. Its a Canadian Company.
I have exposure to high level accounting. I am so very lucky. I am often stressed to the max because of my own wobbles. I am perfectly capable, this I KNOW. Why do I feel the old angst so much then?

So.. I continue with living with this. I continue trying to get back to the working person I am sure I was in the UK where I had tremendous confidence in all I did in my working day.

The horse and I are working hard. Hes just 7 and a young 7 so he has lots to learn and I have lots to relearn. Its good work though, the best kind with a great instructor.

This house continues to run, just as it is.

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