Sometimes I look back at that time leading up to our emigration and honestly from February 2009 to when we left London Heathrow in March 2011 it was a weird time.
From the whole decision made to the sleepless nights and constant questioning and stomach churning freaked out “what are we even thinking” to the shock of Alex’s passing and the pain that followed, to going back to wanting to move, to the leadup, the house sale, the nowhere to live, the selling of cars and buying of tickets, the leaving dinners and the final goodbye at LHR – it was at the very least weird!
I realise how I never lived in the moment, I never lived at that time, I always looked ahead, to the next bit of paperwork, the next exam to complete my accounting designation, the next hurdle, the next fee.
The next step towards gaining our visa, towards living that dream, to being in Canada.
The only time I lived in the present was when Alex left us – that moment hit us smack in the face. That raw shock and horror and sadness was all very present.
Sure, I lived, I went to work and went swimming and took the girls out but my mind was often elsewhere whimsical, in the far away of the future.
So now we are here, 15 months into the future, that whimsical future. At last I am living in the present.
Every day when I wake and hear whatever is outside the window – birds, pool pump, rain –normal or freezing. Every morning I see the light in a room in our house and how the dog sleeps upside down when I creep downstairs for my oh so precious 45 mins of silence in our home, I am very much in the present.
I say good morning to Miller Lake on the 102 and good morning to the Bay as I come up on exit 1d and can see into the ocean where the little islands are. I plan for the next weekend and vaguely into the future for good stuff like days out and vacations but I live each day. I even like cleaning my house now, theres a peace in cleaning and taking care of your own things.
The sky is so blue, the sun so bright, the air so fresh and clean, the beauty so lucid all around me.
My children play outside or inside, Paul mows the lawn or stacks the wood or tinkers with the pool and I walk around and am so very in the present of this life.