a dawning

I am finally good with being 38. Finally it doesnt feel like the end of the line, like the big 40 is when the doors slam shut and its "game over"

Its all due to, as part of my post op recovery TV watching fest, the discovery of "The Big C". I know I am very much behind the rest of the world here and thank God for Netflix as I have sped through Season 1 in two days and am now on Season 2

For some reason, I have suddenly realized through watching this that actually this is a great time of my life, I can enjoy everything that we have built and saved for and made decisions over and as a result is my life.

This house, these children, this career, this life. Its all a direct result of decisions made and some luck, good and bad. Its a result of following a dream, a decision, a plan.

The best years of my life were not actually when I was in my 20s, living with all the freedom of a fairly decent salary, loads of free time, a horse, a good job and my own place. When I clubbed Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, discovered smirnoff ice and never saw drugs, I was lucky there, I know that now.

They were good years too, it was all ahead - meeting the right guy, getting married, having babies, getting a house and then a bigger house, dreaming of emigration. And all the time building a career, partying hard, show jumping, driving horses around the SE of England and walking courses that included big jumps that I then jumped on decent, willing, talented horses.

All those horses that I was so honored to know, to ride, to feel the tremendous partnership that can be had when it all goes well. All that effort training for the next show, all those winter evenings making the perfect shavings bed, or straw bed, I never did decide which I really preferred. And all those summer evenings riding late into the dusk, turning the horses out to roll in the fields at night, feeling the warmth of the day and the horse smell of sweat.

I did all that, I had all that. And now I have new things to enjoy. This house, this country, these children, this career that has grown and grown. I no longer have marriage and babies to look forward to. I have done that. I now have two children, two wonderful, amazing children that I am so proud of, that I find myself watching as they go about their life, I do this in some kind of wonder at how incredible they are.
I am not old and past it, its not game over in 2 years, This is a good time of my life, this is a good time to enjoy.